my worst hour.

we had a terrible hour on tuesday between 11:45am-12:45pm. we were visiting my folks in the big city and all i had to do was walk to the subway station and pick-up a set of car keys from dear hubby. he was working in the city that day. the walk to the station is 10 minutes max for an adult. i had carelessly left my keys back home (an hours drive), and i couldn't get into the car. dear hubby was taking his lunch hour to get on the subway and bring me the keys.

all bear had to do was put on his sandals, so we could walk to the station and get the keys. lion was in the sling and my mom was ready to go. but, bear wouldn't put on his sandals and when i finally got them on his feet he ripped them off.  with the clock ticking and the sun beating down on us, i grabbed bear by the hand and set off to the subway. he screamed and cried and tried to keep up in his bare feet.

when we finally reached the station things went from bad to worse in a millisecond. my mom took lion and bear was completely out of control. people stared and two kind people asked if i needed help or water. they were so gentle and understanding and nodded knowingly when i said he was three and explained was over tired. i just sat there trying to hold him and kept whispering that i loved him into his ear.

dear hubby was 20 minutes late. of course! when i saw him i just grabbed the keys and got the hell outta there! as we started back to the house, bear in my arms, lion in my mom's everyone began to calm down. bear was finally able to catch his breath after almost an hour of screaming. back at the house i sat in my mom's rocking chair, held my two boys and felt the exhaustion enter my body in waves. bear drank some water and then walked in to my parents' tv room and fell asleep on the floor. just like that. he slept there for two hours!

he's getting more confident on his bike; way to ride dude!

i am not sharing this parenting disaster story as way to seek pity, but as a way to normalize these awful minutes, hours or days that happen with our kids. bear and i are going through a rough time and i am desperately searching for something to help resolve this family crisis of sorts. we are beyond consistency and expectations, although i do believe in those, but i feel like we are even more derailed than that. i am more lost than i initially understood or wanted to admit. all of that being said, i do believe we can find our way again, especially with lots of love and maybe some more self care on my part. 

i'm back to reading and re-reading some parenting books i enjoy. i have also received some recommendations, which i will look into- thanks!

we went and saw "bob the builder" do a free show in the big city after the screaming fiasco. bear was excited during the show, but terrified to meet him afterwards. can't really blame the kid, look how big bob's head is! later bear told me bob has soft hands. 

happy long weekend my fellow cannucks! see you on the other side!

hillside

the day was far from perfect, but it was a fabulous day anyway! we all struggled with the unrelenting sunshine pouring down on us. we hit the beach for a quick splash, food and a break from the stimulation. then we headed to the island stage for some shade where lion napped on the ground and the rest of us enjoyed some spoken word. very cool.


our chariot only has a jogging wheel, so dear hubby did some magic and attached two ghetto wheels from an umbrella stroller on the front of the chariot. the retro-fit worked like magic on the paths, grass and asphalt. saved us a bundle too! 


bear was a grumpy grouch during by dinner time. i will summarize with the three words: screaming, barking, whining. so, we strapped both kids into the chariot and strolled around. bear fell asleep quickly (yippii) and stayed asleep for hours! so great! lion fell asleep soon after and we set him down on the grass as we settled in by the main stage. dear hubby and i grooved to serena ryder, danced and ate some AMAZING ginger-flavoured ice cream.


at around 10pm, when the last act was about to go on, bear woke up! he danced and danced to the indie rockers, sloan. dear hubby and bear were jumping and kicking to the tunes and loving every minute of it!

can't wait to go back next july!

mother's guilt; it's a heavy burden.

i am in a parenting rut, yet again. bear is a growly beast these days and it makes our day to day life quite challenging. i know it's age related, but i think there's more to it and that darn mother's guilt is weighing heavily yet again upon my shoulders. when dear hubby lost his job back in march it really turned our world upside down, again. we had just found a groove and had planned summer adventures, when everything came crashing down, again. thankfully dear hubby has computer programming to fall back on and friends who hired him immediately to do various contract jobs.


even though financially we have felt quite secure, ya know, had money to pay for the mortage, groceries, we have still felt very stressed since the career change in spring. the stress has come from the demanding hours and the fact that dear hubby commutes to the big city twice a week. on those days i'm alone with the kids for 13 hours.


now, i am realizing bear is heavily influenced by this new schedule, as he can't have breakfast or dinner with daddy every day any more. he feels the void of not having daddy around as much and has no idea how to express or deal with these emotions. instead, he has regressed from the toilet back onto the potty, screams directly into people's faces, is known for bolting in parking lots, is physically mean to lion and myself, and just doesn't listen. i realize this is all typical three year old behaviour, but i think for him it is exaggerated due to the stress he feels at home. his sleep habits have changed too. he was napping quite regularly for a while and is asking to be sung to every night, again. 

you see, on dear hubby's commute days i am often low with patience, exhausted and feeling lonely. i try my best to maintain a level or calm and peace, but sometimes i get pushed over the edge. and sometimes, i don't necessarily take it out on the kids, but instead on dear hubby, which just adds to the mess of stress.
sigh.


on a brighter note, lion started walking yesterday after iltapala (bed time snack). it was a feat we have been waiting for him to conquer, as he has been cruising for months and months. finally he took the plunge, so proud!

and tomorrow is hillside. bear drew a picture of what some of it may look like: him and lion sitting in the chariot stroller as daddy pushes. he did later add me in the chariot with just one eye! pure genius, but don't tell him i said that! 

everyone dies.

The fear of death follows from the fear of life.  

A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.  ~Mark Twain

bear: äiti, charlotte died. where did she go?

me: death is a part of life. charlotte is gone. like roo died and is not here any more [cue lump in my throat].
bear: will horatio* die?
me: yeah, he will. everything living dies. people, cats, dogs, flowers, trees.
bear: when will everyone die?
me: i don't know. it's different for everyone.
bear: trees die? when they fall down?
me: yup.
bear: we have to be inside so they don't fall on us.
*horatio is a bulldog belonging to someone else in the family.

this was the discussion that bear and i had after he finished watching "charlotte's web". such a classic, such a tear jerker. bear yelled at one point "charlotte died äiti" so i came running in and watched the last minutes of the movie with tears streaming down my face. our conversation made me feel inadequate to answer questions about these important life events. finding the age appropriate language and context is hard.

roo is deeply missed [cue lump in throat].

what would you have said?

wrap it up already...

i've been moving really slowly this week. i blame the heat and unbearable humidity; it goes straight to my head and zaps my brain. just like tequila shots. here's a quick update on our goings on...

* saturday we hit downtown with the chariot and bikes to check out art on the street. it was a blazing hot day, but it was great event and we even bought a piece of art for the playroom (more on that later). then, we had bubba and patty over for dinner. the kids loved it. we miss 'em! we used to have dinner with them at least once a week before we moved.
* i have re-introduced coconut milk into my stir-fry recipe and am not sure why i stopped buying it. 
* last weekend we hit our favourite beach for hours of fun. this weekend we're going to hillside, a fantastic music festival close to home. 
* bear has been attending gymnastics camp with his buddy lil'C. they have gone every morning for three (glorious) hours giving this mama a small break. 
* bear is refusing to pee standing up at the toilet. not sure why. not sure how to rectify the situation as he was doing it just fine for a long time. 
* lion is teething his 7th tooth and wants to be held A LOT!
* i thought we were interviewing a potential baby-sitter today and after a quick tidy, dear hubby racing home, i checked my email and realized i got my dates mixed up. she's coming next week instead apparently. shoot.


time to start drinkin'.
cheers!

beat the heat!

it's been a bloody hot week and it is going to continue for a while longer. for those of you staying indoors to escape the blaring sun, here's a simple recipe to do with the kids.

no bake treats! made these no bake cookies and it took me about 10 minutes- yippee! the cooling took longer due to the heat (i put mine in the fridge) and i didn't try one, well, until the kids were tucked in bed snoring. i also had some ice cream to help cool the nerves of the day and my core temp!

they look a bit like poo, but taste like sugary heaven!

kitchen re-do.

our kitchen is very poorly designed. every day i look around and try to decide what we should replace, fix, paint or completely destroy. i've always dreamed of a totally white kitchen, but here the cabinets are pine and the thought of fixing them up and sanding them and painting them white makes my body ache. so, instead we have decided to paint the walls white in the hopes it will brighten up the room. we also moved around our big ol' cabinet and switched its location with the fridge, which never even occurred to us until the other night. now, the cooking and food prep area is more defined and all three parts of the triangle are accessible so easily.


what the next owners of this house should do is convert the current play room into the kitchen and that way they could have more cabinet storage, more counter top and just a better defined kitchen.


here are my terrible before. after shots to follow after the painting gets done. 

 
gotta love the nudie helpers!

love to bubba and patty-cakes!

bubba and patty are getting married next summer. we are all so delighted and excited for them! this past weekend bubba's folks hosted a lovely engagement party at a local mill restaurant to celebrate this joyous occasion. it was a hot and humid summer's evening, but with good wine and delicious food, well behaved kids and great conversations (with adults) it was easy for me to ignore the sweat beads forming on my forehead! 


this restaurant has special meaning for bubba's folks; it's where they held the reception for their wedding many moons ago. 

it was one those sunday evenings where the sun was perfect and the clouds magical and it made perfect sense to be celebrating the union of two people and the future union of two families. 

we are counting down to this beautiful wedding and are excited and honoured to a part of the special day. i can't believe we have another 13 months to go.... tick, tock, tick....

so cute!

here's a picture of me and my date. oh my, we clean well!

p.s. a BIG thanks to aunt R and uncle K for hosting such a wonderful evening. i wish i had gotten a nice picture of them, sigh.

family dinner.

we're starting a new family tradition called FAMILY DINNER. original, i know, but i want to ensure that we have this routine running through our veins as the boys get older. as we all know, time slips through our fingers so fast and the next thing we know the kids will be packing up and moving on outta here. here's where i got the idea.

i want my family to sit down once a month to a special dinner. one where the menu is planned, perhaps even displayed with someone's best hand writing listing the food served, with flowers on the table, a clean (ironed) table cloth and thoughtfully prepared food. maybe i'm being overly romantic about this, but i just want us to be connected and present with my family, especially as the kids get older.


i think our first family dinner will be this sunday and it will not be burgers or pasta! haha! 
does anyone have a vegetarian suggestion?

it's great to be ONE!

kids' birthdays are fun. this weekend we had a very small and intimate party for lion as he turned the big ONE. we had a picnic outside at a park, by a river, in the sunshine. it was a great day spent with family celebrating lion's first year filled with games and various shenanigans.

bear is our family's birthday cake designer and assistant baker. he decided a long time ago that he wants a triangle cake for his 4th birthday (in february) and that lion should have a circle cake for his 1st birthday. from the circle cake idea we morffed into cupcakes with loads of candy on top! yum!

lion was showered with fantastic presents from his grandparents, auntie K and uncle L, and of course his lovely parents (wink), which he seemed quite delighted with. as did his big brother!

we made a celebratory birthday poster. bear and lion went wild colouring and stickering; so great to live with two artists!

traditional goofy family photo op.

the birth of a lion: revisited

lion was born on the 8th of july in 2010. it was a thursday and it was bloody hot. we chose his birthday as he had to be born via c-section due to my pituitary gland tumour. it was supposed to be routine and nothing was supposed to happen, but mistakes were made and we almost lost our little lion. 
i continue to struggle with his birth and often wonder if we were proactive enough. perhaps we should have asked more questions, demanded second or third opinions, but in the haze of my own recovery i remember feeling powerless and bullied.


he was born at a highly specialized hospital with various specialists and a high risk obstetrician in the operating room. i had to be put under, because a spinal, which is usually given to c-section mums, presented its own risks for my unusual situation. i remember walking into that cold, grey room. people were talking and helping me onto the table and all i could think of was that my little guy would be born alone. i would be out cold and dear hubby was not allowed into the room. i was sobbing so hard tears were streaming into my ears, but i couldn't wipe them away as i was to lay still while they poked me with needles and monitors. 


they tried to reassure me, but my guilt was all encompassing. 
mother's guilt.


my fucking tumour. in my fucking head. on my fucking gland. 
this was all my fucking fault.


lion was a surprise breach, which meant they couldn't get him out as quickly as they wanted to, which meant he received too much of the general anaesthetic, which meant his vitals crashed. he was cut from my body and literally someone ran with him out of the operating room to another room, while trying to resuscitate him. dear hubby was witness to this, as he was waiting outside our OR. 


as the next few days came and went, i felt it necessary to put on an act of sanity, togetherness and composure, but inside i was flailing. on one hand i was trying to recover from my own surgery and deal with the obstacles it presented. and on the other, i was trying to deal with a baby i wasn't allowed to hold or touch, who couldn't breathe on his own and needed constant medical intervention. while all of this was happening at the hospital, my darling two year old bear was desperately struggling with all of this stress and anxiety. 


we were all a mess.


but.... 

today, one year after the fact we have come a long way baby! our lion fought hard that first week and has since been a happy, thriving baby. he has never stopped smiling and the joy he exudes is inspiring. we are so very lucky to have a beautiful, healthy lion in our family. 

i don't know if i will ever truly "get over" the details of his birth and shed the guilt i have carried thus far. revisiting his birth day has brought back waves of emotions, but really, it is what it is and there isn't anything i can do about it now. i am in awe of him and his brother, bear, and feel lucky to be their äiti.

HYVÄÄ SYNTYMÄPÄIVÄÄ PIKKU LEIJONA!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

we sang o' canada countless times on friday.

canada day.
canada. hungary. anthems. music. noon. bourbon. tradition. food. trampoline. bacon. hot dogs. muffins. fire. conversation. beer. friends. hammock. trees. family. love. laughter. blue skies. sunshine. baseball. hats. smiles. 

cottage.

family. friends. traditions. swimming. splashing. playing. burning building. cabin. sunsets. sleep. water. loons. naps.  chipmunks. forest. trees. pine cones. sticks. waves. boats. canoeing. books. newspapers. conrad black. conversations. tears. memories. history. rock. beer. wine. shandies. food. bbq. deer. flowers. flashlights. walking. advice. raccoons. lost glasses. 

and then we'll do it all again next year!